Grateful for All of It

 It’s the last day of this year of celebrating gratitude. I kinda dribbled my input over the last couple of months, but that’s mine to own and contemplate. I set out to write something about gratitude every day, so the many missed opportunities are lessons to me. 

This year has been very normal in that there were ups and downs, successes and failures, lessons learned and those which repeat. It’s been like any other year in that regard. The everyday classroom of life continues to challenge me, encourage me, and allow me to try again as often as I want. What I know for sure is that I am perfectly imperfect, normal, and still uniquely me. I have agency. I am allowed by virtue of having life to find my own direction in whatever way seems right, which includes plenty of course-corrections. 

I am learning more every day about how to treat others and myself. I am my own practice person, so I am doing better all the time at learning what makes me tick and what just ticks me off. When I goof up, which is often, I try to remember to be kind to myself. If I wouldn’t say to another person something unkind or purposefully hurtful, then I won’t say it to myself. If I forget, and tell myself something ugly, I am learning to forgive myself, reframe the negative into a positive, and move on. 

I’ve had some wonderful highs this year, which are contained within the calendar of 2023. I’ll take the memories with me into the new year of fresh opportunities and new challenges. I’m up for all of it!

I’ve experienced some real lows as well, and I will carry with me the gained wisdom from them.

Through all of it, I have had friends to help me find my path when I can’t see it. I have gained a better sense of peace and serenity. I am continuing to be of service in whatever ways I am capable. 

It’s been a very normal, very blessed year, and I’m grateful for all of it.

Tis the Sneezin’

 So many people I know have COVID all over again! What a bummer — and how scary.

I’ve managed to avoid it this season. I had it once, five days after a booster, but it was very short-lived. I lost my sense of smell, but only for a day. I was so very fortunate, since others experienced far worse. The folks I know who have COVID now were all vaccinated, so hopefully their symptoms are mild and will quickly disappear.

The last few days have been fairly decent for me, I’m happy to say. All three of my sons thanked me for their gifts and the goodies I made for them. I heard from all of them on Christmas day. I had a lovely FaceTime call with all my siblings, and I heard from many friends. What more could a person ask for?!

I participated in a Christmas Eve candle-lighting service by singing in the choir, and being deeply moved by solo artists. The mood was all about gratitude: gratitude for the spiritual significance of the Christ presence, for the gifts of song and wonder, for the significance of symbolism, and for the togetherness of community. 

My body is feeling its age by continuing to present me with hip issues, but “have cane, will travel”. It’s just a thing, and I’m grateful to have health insurance. I have so much for which to be thankful!

I will take precautions with regard to the “sneezin’ season”, while still living my life to the fullest. I’m grateful for the knowledge that while nasty viruses abound, I am so far healthy. May we all thrive!

My Friends, My Tribe

 I don’t know about you, but I need my People. I need my friends. Not every moment of every day, but it’s so deeply fulfilling to have someone to call, someone to share problems and victories with, people with whom I like to socialize. I think it’s vital for everyone.

I’m especially grateful today for those who care about me, and for those I care about. We watch out for each other, entertain each other, and root for the best for all. This isn’t Middle School where the mean girls determine my happiness. This is Earth School, where I find those traveling similar paths to mine. Those on other paths are respected, as each of us finds our way. We disagree? Yes, that’s okay. Let’s talk. We agree? Wonderful! Let’s talk!

I’m grateful for the concept of ‘finding one’s tribe’, and for those whose culture created it. I’m grateful that of the many modes of looking at and living life with meaning, I have found those with whom I share basic values. 

I’m grateful for my friends, my family—my Tribe.

Addictions and the Holidays

 This is a subject that can only be briefly touched upon, but I think it’s an important one to consider. The holidays are just begging for all kinds of issues to be exposed, which can greatly exacerbate problems associated with addictions and addictive behaviors.

Getting together with family? Are you the addict, or is someone else the “drunk uncle”? If it’s you and you know it, are you doing something about it, or are you “not that bad”? How bad does it need to be before you step out of denial and into facing your demons? It’s not for the faint-of-heart. It takes humility and courage to admit to oneself that there needs to be a change.

If the problem child is the “drunk uncle” or aunt, uncle, sibling, or parent, we get to choose whether or not to include them, or to decide what the boundaries of behavior are going to be before escorting them to the waiting driver.

We all have our own pictures of what a “perfect” holiday will look like. Maybe that actually happens, but it hasn’t been my experience. In the past, I was the one who drank too much, laughed too loudly at things that weren’t funny, and ended up ‘napping’ (passed out). No one challenged me (which wouldn’t have worked), or took the bottles away. I had to embarrass myself more than a few times before finally admitting to myself that I wanted a change for the positive. That was over 12 years ago. After having many “last drinks”, I finally quit for good in April of 2012.

I’ve learned a few things about myself in that time, and I’ve learned a great deal about how to treat others who have similar addictions. I don’t have to hang around when voices get louder, when the laughs get rowdier, or when the general conversation revolves around alcohol. I separate myself for my own sake.

Right now, I have a friend who is in the throes of his addiction. Because I know how important boundaries are to my own wellbeing, I had to separate myself from him, and asked him to refrain from calling or visiting. I told him why—it didn’t just come out of the blue. When a friend steals from you, separation is imperative. 

A lot of people find themselves trapped in the idea that they need to somehow save their loved one; that without their help, who knows what might happen to them? This, my friend, is faulty thinking which only enables further self-destructive behavior from the one you’re trying to save. You simply don’t have the juice needed to do that.

The kindest thing to do is also the hardest thing to do, and that is to allow them to hit their own bottom. That is the moment when an addict realizes that no one is going to save them; that they need help. That’s not going to come from having them celebrate the holidays with you, for the sake of ‘family’ or whatever. They need to know that their actions have the consequences of their missing out on being included.

You’re not a bad person for protecting your own sanity, safety, and possessions. Say a prayer for your loved one, acknowledge the hurt, then enjoy the good that is in your life right now.

Limping to the Finish Line

 Oh my goodness, how my commitment to a daily blog on Gratitude has flagged! As I said in my last post, it doesn’t indicate a lack of gratitude; it’s more of an indication of my current level of following through.

I’ve experienced some important lessons this year. I’m grateful for each one, as they all work together to provide a new understanding of myself and how I operate. Each lesson gives me a clearer vision of where I am in relation to where I want to be, and an opportunity to course-correct. 

Each new lesson learned allows light through the cracks in my armor. The more light that comes in, the more that armor cracks and falls apart. The more my armor falls off, the more the genuine Me is exposed. That’s what I want—to be truly myself in all situations, relying on myself and my Creator (and my Posse!) instead of a false front. The more often I reach for the Higher Truth, the more peace I feel within. That’s the feeling I choose.

There is so much turmoil which is completely out of my control. I choose the serenity which comes from determining what is mine to change, and what is not. 

I’m ready for the holidays. All the cookies and candy has been delivered. All the gifts of clothing have been received. All the gifts for friends have been wrapped and distributed. All is well, as I sit and contemplate what has transpired, and what the new year might have in store.

Through it all, I wish us peace as we experience new lessons.

Quiet Joy

 I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately, as reflected in my dearth of postings. I haven’t stopped having gratitude, but I wasn’t allowing it’s fullness to envelope me.

Gratitude is powerful. It pushes from the inside, pulls from the outside, and demands recognition at all times. When I find it difficult to deeply feel, it’s because I have put blinders on my psyche. Those blinders are the everyday-variety blahs, the not-good-enoughs and the too-muches. They block out the periphery, the Big Picture. 

I had a chat with my good friend, a friend who lovingly tells me the truth, then lets me sit with it until I can see more clearly. I’m deeply grateful to her for her loving acceptance of me, with all my bumps, bruises, and the occasional weird justifications to continue destructive behavior. That usually coincides with other messages I receive from my Etheric Posse: the red flags I try to ignore, the course-corrections which can feel like rejections, the meme which speaks to me, the talks from my spiritual teachers.

When I consciously remove the blinders and open up to the fullness all around me, I can’t help but feel gratitude. It shows up as a felt joy, an inner peace, and a sense of all being well.

Tis the season to be open to all the quiet joy which is everywhere, all the time.

More Cookies!

 And peanut brittle too! 

Oh, I’m having such fun in the kitchen these days! We had our cookie party, and I had plenty of sugar cookies and gingerbread men left over. I made up a little “decorate it yourself” station, and put it all in my clubhouse so that the residents could have their own fun.

Yesterday I made peanut-coconut brittle—my first attempt—and I can say truthfully that it is yummy! Today, I’m baking snowball cookies and chocolate mint sandwich cookies. Mmmm! I’ll be packaging some of each to send to my sons, along with assorted stocking stuffers. It just makes me happy to do this, but I have to admit, I’m glad it’s just once a year!

It is such a joy for me to imagine them enjoying what I made for them. I infuse the dough with lots of love, and hope that they can feel it with each bite. I’ll even send some to the son who has distanced himself from me. I hope that distance diminishes over time, but for now, I can send him my love in an edible form.

This is just literally the sweetest time of the year. 

Today, I’m grateful for a kitchen to cook in, enough money to buy all the ingredients and to mail the finished products, and for the physical ability to get in there and get it done!

My Spiritual Home

 It’s a marvelous thing to find a place where you feel at ease, where respect is mutual, and where beliefs are honored. I attend various functions there, and have met many like-minded people with whom I share ideas, challenge myself, and listen to wonderful messages.

My spiritual journey has been long and weird! From a very narrow path where I scraped myself constantly on the sharp edges, to my current home base which is as wide as I need and as welcoming as I am able to be welcoming to others. I’m learning, growing, and more accepting of other modes of thought, for the most part. Any hesitation from me invites further investigation, rather than mindless condemnation.

I was in a very cult-like group for many years, where there were strict parameters around what was acceptable to give in to and what our “mission” was. Discomfort was not spoken about, and our time was never our own. That was a very difficult situation to completely shake off—the path was still narrow and dangerous.

The way of thinking which comes from the continual brainwashing becomes like cement. It won’t dissolve, can’t be reasoned away, and persists any effort to chip it away. And it’s heavy, so very heavy. 

I’m enormously grateful to have finally found a spiritual home which teaches, doesn’t dictate; which challenges, doesn’t disallow questions; which loves and accepts all who seek their own spiritual reality, their own Source, and doesn’t spoon-feed nothing but pablum.

Today, I am thankful for all that I am, all that I have, all that I learn from truly enlightened teachers.

Cookies!

 Christmas cookies! Making them, decorating them, sharing them—all are some of the joyous aspects of the holiday season. Yesterday I made, cut out, and baked double recipes of gingerbread men and all the sugar cookie shapes—trees, ornaments, snowflakes (the only ones we’ll see in Sacramento!), snowmen (ditto), and canes. 

Today is Action Day. A group of friends and I will gather in front of my clubhouse’s fireplace to combine our cookies and decorations to have a Cookie Decorating Party. It will conclude with a gift exchange game, and will be liberally sprinkled throughout the afternoon with oohs, aahs, and much laughter! Some of us are ace decorators, and others of us, well, we’ll make an effort. However the cookies turn out, the time together will be capital ‘F’ Fun!

I love this kind of get-together. All of us contribute, and no one individual is responsible for everything. We’ll share setting up and cleaning up, and nobody ends up totally pooped. While the overall responsibility is mine, I know I won’t have a heavy burden. That certainly adds to the fun factor for me!

I’m so grateful to have these women as friends. If I ever need anything, any one of them can be called upon for help. This is the kind of community we all need, I think. People getting together for one purpose, regardless of their personal or political leanings. Those things don’t matter when the attention on each other is simply valued friendship.

I feel very fortunate to have a circle of friends. I wish this for everyone. Today I’ll celebrate the joys of the season with them, as we laugh, make messes, create the occasional masterpiece (maybe!), and focus on something besides any troubles we may be having.

Cookies, anyone?

Necessary Endings

 Some things just don’t work out. That’s okay—it’s one of the modes of learning. In the words of Omar Lee, “Ending something doesn’t have to be filled with regret, anger, or negativity. We have experiences and memories that serve a purpose.”

Exactly! 

I am moving on, and it finally feels right. I have made memories, some very good, and I have learned more about myself in the process. One of my central teachers right now has a beautiful way of explaining personal and spiritual growth as if it were a tall building. The people on the first floor can’t see anything but things on that level. As we grow and learn, we reach higher floors, where the views are ever more expansive. Each ascent comes with more understanding of the hugeness around us as our views become less obstructed by neighboring buildings.

We finally, hopefully, with enough understanding and growth, reach the Penthouse, where there are no impediments to our views. We see that we are far beyond the smallness of the first floors. Those floors are not bad—in fact, without them, there would be no building. Each floor has its place and its meaning, and each one, fully explored, leads to the necessity of moving up, one floor at a time.

Sometimes, life events can bring us down to the first floor again, with all its limits and pettiness. That’s where a necessary ending can allow me to resume my ascent up the building. It’s neither good nor bad; it’s just a learning experience, from which I can choose to grow or to stay small.

Today, I’m very grateful to effect that necessary ending, knowing that I am whole, loved and lovable, cherished and capable.

Sleep

 Yes, I’m grateful for sleep—long, delicious, cozy nights, and all the naps I want. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately, probably because my body is requiring it after a bit of an invasion a few days ago. 

I’ve lived through periods of insomnia. What a terrible, horrible, awful feeling it is to be incredibly tired, but unable to fall into healing rest. Tired all day, unable to sleep at night, ad infinitem. I took sleeping aids for years, due to having an all-night work schedule. Once I was again working in daytime hours, my habit continued. Multiply that by a couple of decades, and you can see that I was convinced that they were absolutely necessary.

After several months of a much more gentle medication, I am sleeping better, enjoying my movie-quality dreams. Right now, as my body is in healing mode, I have no problem allowing it to step into la-la land for an extended visit. 

Chores will wait. Projects can survive being on hold. My to-do list is just the lines on the paper, ready to be filled in as I go. My gratitude for sleep co-exists with my gratitude for retirement. The latter allows the former.

Today, I will continue to listen to the cues my body sends. I’ll do what I can, and not listen to the thoughts that like to nag, admonishing me to do more! more! more! I’m the boss of me, and I allow as many breaks as I want. So there!

Sponteneity

 I answered an evite the other day for a special movie presentation at a classic old theatre in town, to celebrate its 85th year. 85 years! How is that possible?!

So I’ll be heading out soon to see whatever classic movie I signed up to see. I don’t recall the title, but it doesn’t matter to me—I’ll be participating in a celebration of movies in general, in a movie theatre which has kept most of its old-fashioned charm. Plus, there will be snacks afterward! Winning!

I love that I can choose to take part in such an event. I love that I long ago got over feeling that I needed company in order to enjoy going anywhere or doing anything. I can be my own company, and that’s more than okay.

As the leaves fall under a cloudy sky, I’ll be engulfed in a vision made real by the producers, directors, writers, actors, and all those associated with making a story come alive. It’s quite magic, I think. I’ll be in the world they fabricated, transported from Sacramento, California to whatever setting they’ve devised. 

So today, I’m grateful for the willingness and ability to attend this event, to meet with others who also enjoy this kind of adventure, and to enlarge my own vision, even for just a couple of hours.

Moments of Kindness

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.  His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I like myself a whole lot better when I remind myself to show kindness to others. It really doesn’t take a lot—putting myself in their shoes definitely helps. 

Back when I was ruled by an inferiority complex and an overactive ego, kindness didn’t come easily. I was too busy comparing myself to others: who had what I wanted; who had more, even if it wasn’t something I wanted; feeling completely sorry for myself and angry that I felt trapped while having no clue how to effect change. That is simply no way to live this one, beautiful life!

Kindness begins with the inner landscape. I needed to stop hating myself so that I could express tenderness to that scared person inside my skin. That took a lot, because I had to fight the old habit of feeling ‘less than’ while angrily needing to hide it. What a roller-coaster of conflicting emotions! 

Wisdom grows along a side track of age and experience. I’ve shaken off the lies, and have learned to love who I am, even with the imperfections—and there are so many! It’s all good. I haven’t ‘arrived’, but life is a lot calmer now that I can accept reality and understand that a bump and a bruise along the way isn’t the same as abject failure.

So today, I am grateful for my growth. It’s a continuing process. I’m grateful that I am capable of both showing kindness and feeling kindly toward others as we all learn to navigate our individual paths.