I’ve been gone awhile. My TacoCat has left the building. Been booted out, actually. What started as a lovely companionship, complete with snuggles and loud purrs turned weirdly adversarial—he started nipping at my skin, breaking it open, then started suddenly attacking me. It culminated with a deep gash which ultimately sent me to the hospital to receive IV antibiotics. Those weren’t “love bites”!
I’m home again, healing well, considering getting a kitten. Hmmm. This motherhood game is an addiction.
That’s how it was when I had children. I had to have them. The addiction to babies was strong! I loved the nursing, the cuddling, the baby laughter and daily discoveries. The lack of sleep, the poo stench, the milky vomit—they were just part of the deal.
Life happens, children grow into their own separate selves, and parents are challenged beyond what they ever thought they could handle. At least, that’s how it was for me. I didn’t adjust as quickly as they changed, and my whole family had to deal with the three devils of drugs, alcohol, and attitude. It was no wonder I was at sea with what to do, because I was using the first two devils myself.
Time heals. I hope that saying is true. Of my three sons, two sporadically communicate with me (but they love me), and one is still caught up in his resentments for my failure to be perfect. That’s his journey; I hope and pray that he finds relief and forgiveness, and more than a little understanding.
Life didn’t turn out the way I had pictured it. That’s okay. My challenges have been my way to the Light. I’ve learned a lot, and continue to learn about forgiveness of myself and others, and of gratitude for those lessons. They continue, but I’m up to the challenges. I don’t walk them alone, ever.
The alcohol and drugs are part of my history. I get to learn from my current point of view how they stunted my emotional growth. I get to do better today, then be done with it and move forward. I get to enjoy the positives and acknowledge the negatives as temporary. I get to hold my head up high and know that given the state I was in, I worked hard and did my best.
Today, I’m grateful for my children, two- and four-legged. There are lessons everywhere.
Today, I am at home in myself.
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