Honesty

 I listened to a Stanford professor yesterday on NPR as she spoke about the nature of addictions and addictive behavior. It was fascinating stuff from my point of view as a sober alcoholic. In my case, I utilize the 12 Step model, but I’m aware that there are other approaches which can help people break their addictions.

She said that the one thing which shows up no matter which program a person seeking recovery uses is honesty. In AA, we refer to it as “rigorous honesty”, which is apt. I grew up telling lies, even when the truth was obvious, even when the lie made no sense. Telling the truth felt strangely like being naked, when all I wanted was to bundle up and hide myself.

My first foray into 12 Step programs was to attend a “sister” program - one where I could remain the victim to the behavior of another—or so I thought. I was amazed by the raw honesty I encountered in the participants as they shared their stories of victory over victimhood. I was unprepared and unwilling to be that honest. Besides, I usually attended meetings a little flushed from my afternoon cocktails. Me? The one with the problem? Naw!

After giving myself enough time to awaken to my reality and finding the willingness to be honest about it, I got real with myself and switched programs. Without honesty, I would still be reveling in my role as hapless victim. I would still be filled with anger and frustration. I would still be lying to myself about my own actions, and I would awaken each morning to the awful feeling of having over-indulged—again.

Learning to be rigorously honest with myself has given me a new life. If I don’t acknowledge a fault, I can’t then find the means to fix it.

It’s a process, this self-honesty. It’s like looking into a freshly cleaned mirror and seeing the truth in myself. There are still a few smudges, but I’m learning all the time to clean them off when I see them.

My gratitude for the gifts of honesty is immense.