Goals

 This week I’m going to be planning and putting together a reveal party to show off my “new” bedroom set. This is a set of furniture I bought new in 1988 (can you picture the orange oak?), and finally gave new life after years - literally, years - of trying to figure out how I’d do it, and just what I’d do. What color paint? What new handles? How? Where?

In fits and starts, I finally made the choices and took action. It came together in a way that made me happy, but the process was like a path of potholes. If self-limitation was an art form, I’d qualify for a doctorate in Fine Arts. I set up so many unnecessary roadblocks that I might still be using orange furniture with that one drawer with rope handles where the ceramic and brass pieces broke. I’d still be second-guessing my color choices, my ability to apply decorative touches, the process of filling some holes and drilling some new ones.

Honestly, I can self-sabotage in a nano-second. What pulls me out of those times are the finishes, the checked-off items, the to-dos turned into ta-das. When I internalize how good it feels to reach the finish line, I can—hopefully—utilize that as the carrot I need to run after, rather than continue to perfect procrastination.

All that aside, I can revel in the finishing of this project, and having set a date to show it off, can work this week towards having a modicum of order in my apartment. 

Goals with dates attached can be acheived! I’m grateful to be feeling the truth of that.

I Deserve What, Now?

 I can get tied up in knots over the dumbest things, just because I think I deserve whatever it is that I want. Not always—I have a modicum of maturity, after all. It’s just that sometimes I get stuck in an idea which actually has no merit. I’ll gnaw on that bone for ages before I figure out that it has no meat. When that time finally comes, it isn’t usually because I’ve forgotten what I had wanted, but more likely is because I’ve been humbled out of my entitled attitude. Ego gets a talking-to, and Spirit can be heard.

It might just be that what I have is enough. What a concept—I don’t automatically deserve all the bells and whistles. Maybe, just maybe, I can appreciate all that I do have and express true gratitude for it all. 

What happens when I calm down and get out of Princess mode to truly be thankful for all that is in my life? There is a mental shift into a joyous acceptance of this present moment. All wanting does is to take me out of this moment to plop me down into the land of ‘I Deserve’. That’s a place rife with frustration, anger, envy, and discontent. 

I choose, when I’m being fully in the present, to live in joyful acceptance of what is. As the Serenity Prayer teaches so simply, if I am able to change a situation, I just want the courage to do so, and if I can’t change it, I just want to have peace about it, and all I need is a little wisdom to tell one from the other. 

I’m so grateful for having all that I have—shelter which I can afford, air-conditioning, a full pantry, clothes to wear, all the creature comforts I need. Life is pretty sweet, just as it is in this moment.

Going for the Gusto

 Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?   Mary Oliver

Today I plan to visit a doctor, to help protect my wild and precious health. Then I plan to ‘feather my nest’ and work on projects that enhance the quality of my life.

This “one wild and precious life” has many more days behind than ahead of it, so I plan to fully inhabit each one. I plan to examine my personal boundaries, and push them out a little bit each day. I intend to eat mindfully, with gratitude for each bite, move my body a little more, with gratitude for movement, write, draw, appreciate all I have and all I can do, and continue to practice gratitude each day.

I think that I will emulate my kitten today by playing when I need to burn energy, eating when I’m hungry, and napping when I get tired. My playtime will fall within the parameters of work, but if I do so joyfully, I get to call it ‘play’. When I nap, it will be with the appreciation of having accomplished something. When I eat, it will be with joyful gratitude for what I feed my body. 

Gratitude guides me as I live my life. It allows me to love, serve, and remember. It encourages me to go for the gusto, as each new day unfolds.

Inner Peace

 There are times of great excitement, joy, and wonder, and there are times of sadness, illness, and fear. What keeps a person going on and growing in steadiness? Where does inner peace come from? Is it there no matter what is going on in the conscious world?

This, I think, is the essence of a spiritual awakening—the absolute conviction that, no matter what, all is well. It is the essence of the laughing Buddha, the laughing Jesus. For me, it is the knowing that at my core, I am okay. Nothing and no one can take my innate joy. No matter what happens to my physical self, the sentient being that is me remains whole and perfect. I can experience serenity at all times by remembering this.

I relax and go within. I am connected to the Divine; I am the Divine manifested as me, just as you are the Divine manifested as you. I am here learning my lessons while being of service wherever I can, doing whatever I am able to do. I am here sometimes withdrawing from all the disorder, refreshing and renewing my strength, so that I can be of service to others while rediscovering the joy of living life as a physical being. All this and more! Life is supposed to be fun!

Today, I am grateful for experiencing the fun of life, the joy of service, and the inner peace which remains steady through it all.

Honesty

 I listened to a Stanford professor yesterday on NPR as she spoke about the nature of addictions and addictive behavior. It was fascinating stuff from my point of view as a sober alcoholic. In my case, I utilize the 12 Step model, but I’m aware that there are other approaches which can help people break their addictions.

She said that the one thing which shows up no matter which program a person seeking recovery uses is honesty. In AA, we refer to it as “rigorous honesty”, which is apt. I grew up telling lies, even when the truth was obvious, even when the lie made no sense. Telling the truth felt strangely like being naked, when all I wanted was to bundle up and hide myself.

My first foray into 12 Step programs was to attend a “sister” program - one where I could remain the victim to the behavior of another—or so I thought. I was amazed by the raw honesty I encountered in the participants as they shared their stories of victory over victimhood. I was unprepared and unwilling to be that honest. Besides, I usually attended meetings a little flushed from my afternoon cocktails. Me? The one with the problem? Naw!

After giving myself enough time to awaken to my reality and finding the willingness to be honest about it, I got real with myself and switched programs. Without honesty, I would still be reveling in my role as hapless victim. I would still be filled with anger and frustration. I would still be lying to myself about my own actions, and I would awaken each morning to the awful feeling of having over-indulged—again.

Learning to be rigorously honest with myself has given me a new life. If I don’t acknowledge a fault, I can’t then find the means to fix it.

It’s a process, this self-honesty. It’s like looking into a freshly cleaned mirror and seeing the truth in myself. There are still a few smudges, but I’m learning all the time to clean them off when I see them.

My gratitude for the gifts of honesty is immense. 

Specificity

I tend to think that answers to prayers are amorphous—you have to think bigger than your dreams, see the answers in the larger generalities and know that it’s all good. “For my highest good” is the caveat I add to most prayers, then I relax into the knowing that all is well.

Sometimes, though, the answer is as specific as the prayer, and when that happens, it gives me a moment of Wow! That’s what’s going on in my life right now, and I am amazed. “Yeah”, I told God, “like that.” And God answered with “Why like that? Why not that?”

Oh, good gosh, yes! In this moment, all is not just well, all is spectacular! 

The lesson for me is to be very clear when I pray. I am specific when I express my gratitude, so it seems like a natural progression to making requests, within the parameters of that which never harms but serves to lift all involved. 

When I was a child, I prayed for mile-long hair and a horse. I pictured my Rapunzel-like locks flowing in the wind as I raced along mountain passes on my galloping pony. As I grew up, I let my hair grow to waist-length (infinitely easier to handle than mile-long hair), and I found that I was a little bit scared of horses. I mean, they’re really big in real life! 

As I grew up, my prayer life didn’t keep pace—I still begged like a little girl. When I sensed that I was getting a “no”, I reasoned that I hadn’t really been heard, and I did what I wanted. As I matured, my prayers turned outward as I prayed for the safety of my children and the happiness of others. I prayed for reasonable things, like a moment of peace for myself and for someone unknown in far-away places experiencing the unspeakable. I prayed for those I knew who were going through difficulties. More and more, my prayers became more “thanks” than “please”.

I’m learning all the time, thank goodness. I mean, mile-long hair? Please! I don’t understand the hows of the process, but I’m learning that specifics are perfectly acceptable. The answer may well be “no”, and if so, I want to have the trust to be at peace with the answer. 

But sometimes the answer is “Yes!” This, or something better for my highest good and the highest good of others.

Today, I’m grateful for specific answers to specific prayers. Amen!

Take the Dare

 You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.   C.S. Lewis

Another good quote, borrowed from my Insight Timer app. I love the sentiment. It reminds me of my maternal grandmother, a woman who was always busy with whatever new craft caught her fancy. Although she stayed occupied with her artistry, she nevertheless said about any new adventure that she was “too old” to try it. I thought it was a very sad sentiment, and wrote my mother a long letter urging her to never be “too old” to try something new or to continue to enjoy the things she already loved doing.

Here I am, now, older than both of them when I made my judgements and observations. What do I say I’m “too old” to do? It’s a great challenge to some of the ways I’ve slipped into that mindset. Am I mentally able to try a new challenge? Go for it! Am I physically able to try something? That, rather than simply my age, is what will determine that. 

New goals, new dreams—these are fodder for living a full life. I have found myself believing I’m too old to set some goals, but, happily, I’ve heard myself. I can challenge the thought seed when it tries to plant itself into my psyche, and pull it out by the root, like the weed it is. Like I’ve said before, I choose possibilities.

Today, I’m grateful for the awareness to hear myself when I try to self-limit. I welcome new goals and yes, I dare to dream.