Simple Joys

I have a kitten I named Calico Callie. Watching her excitedly explore her new home is hugely entertaining.  She scampers, skips, and does cartwheels, all while discovering All. The. Things. She started out by hiding under a bookcase, too scared to emerge. First gradually, then quickly, she discovered that she was safe enough to look in every corner and check under every space. She’s even sat still enough in my lap to relax into tiny little purrs. What joy! 

So much to discover! Everything is new! Each new object is a toy! She hasn’t been around long enough to find everything blasé—there’s too much to be excited about!

She offers me joyful lessons on living in the moment. All I have is Now—is that Now going to be pure fun, or am I going to waste each Now in worry or anger or sadness? Baba Ram Dass always reminded people to ‘be here now’. That simple wisdom is exemplified in the everyday actions of my kitty.

Today, I will not hold back from experiencing the joy of having life. I won’t be doing any somersaults or cartwheels, but I’ll see things with a fresh outlook. I will stop to listen to the birds sing. I’ll completely enjoy my meals. I’ll endeavor to see things with fresh vision. I will take my lessons from Miss Callie, all while watching her hone her kitty skills.

Today, I am grateful for such simple joys.

Butterfly Kisses

 I advised a friend recently to give herself the gift of butterfly kisses to calm her anxiety. I learned this technique from watching another friend perform this simple act when she felt a moment of disquiet. It’s very simple: you cross your hands, palms facing you, then press thumbs together, pad to pad.  Place your joined thumbs against your sternum, then lightly flap the wings made by your hands, with each inward flap touching your chest just below your clavicles. Light, gentle, sweet little butterfly kisses!

We all experience the wide arc of emotions. The trick seems to be to fully feel them, knowing that each moment is temporary. I want those moments of bliss to last, and I wish the unpleasant ones to quickly pass, but I am present for all of them. When those icky or painful ones visit, I find it important to be especially kind to myself. That’s when simple techniques like giving myself butterfly kisses helps me settle down and assure myself that all is well.

All IS well. Some lessons are harder than others, and some rewards are simple moments of Grace. It’s very easy to be grateful for those times of wonder and joy, harder to find the gratitude for the lessons while I’m in the middle of finding out what I’m supposed to be learning. A quick butterfly kiss reminds me that I’m alright. I am loved and cherished, lovable and capable. As the mother of several children told me about all those bouts of painful labor, I can handle anything for 30 seconds. And another, and another. 

I am grateful for all the ways of dealing with life on life’s terms. If I can’t bring about change, may I find the serenity necessary to accept each challenge, greeting every one with the soft kiss of a butterfly.

Do-Overs

 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Charles Dederich

I don’t have to be defined by anything which has already occurred. I tend to do so anyway, just out of habit: I can’t do this or that because of (fill in the blank); I’ve just always been like this; I don’t know any other way. I can find many reasons why moving forward isn’t possible for me. I’m special that way.

What I’m learning, every darn day, is that all the excuses I carry just serve to keep me from growing as a human. I get to choose, though—stay in an old mindset which defies forward momentum, or be willing to look at all my “reasons” as the excuses they are, and step out of my (dis)comfort zone. It can feel scary, but doing so leads me to the signposts which point to my fulfillment on this earthly plane.

Here’s a do-over: after being fanged by my former ‘emotional support’ cat (and having him escorted from the building), I’m going to try again, this time with a kitten instead of a middle-aged, nasty-mannered old tomcat. I’m willing to try again with new parameters. 

Here’s another: welcoming a relationship after several years of being single. That’s a situation which demands setting out on a different path, with a mindset open to newness. It’s both exciting and scary, but therein lies the possibility of fresh joy.

And another: in spite of the mistakes I made as a parent when my kids were little, I still have Now. Today, I can be the mother I want to be, or I can at least come close. My boys are well and truly men now and don’t need their mama, but I can drop surprises into their lives from time to time as expressions of my love for them. I can offer them my ‘living amends’.

Today, I will only consider my yesterdays as lessons. If I have amends to make, I will make them, and will strive to make sure that my behavior causes no harm. I will enjoy the sweetness of my kitten, and I will bask in the glow of affection. If my sons call, I will laugh with them or be a sounding board for something they need to work out. I will be present for all of these things.

I’m so grateful for all my do-overs, and for the opportunity to, as the sign I received from my good friend Janet says, “Live by Grace, not perfection.”

Gratitude on My Mind

 The mind is everything. What you think, you become.  Buddha

I loved this quote when I opened today’s Insight Timer, because it rings true for me. When I spend time worrying, I become nervous and anxious. When I go into self-pity, I become a victim and a martyr. When I express gratitude for every situation, for my surroundings, for my life, I am joyous and free. Each of those end products emanate their own vibrations, affecting those with whom I come into contact.

What influence do I want to have? What vibes will people respond to in a positive way? Who am I, anyway?

I strive to be one who walks softly on the Earth, who sees the similarities with others behind perceived differences, who is genuinely kind, even to that a-hole who cuts me off in traffic! We all have our “stuff”, and we all handle that stuff in our own ways, subject to our understandings and personalities. If I maintain an attitude of gratitude, I am better able to see the Light in others. It’s there, waiting to be seen.

As I start my day with contemplation and meditation, I am better prepared to face challenges with more equanimity and less anxiety than if I just charge in with no thought of gratitude. 

When I think gratitude, I become grateful. When I’m grateful, I am able to see the good around and within me. It’s a lovely—and loving—mindset.

When Good Things Happen

 Just like the unpleasant things that crop up, really good ones do too. And just like the former, they go away. All things must pass. I can choose to stay mired in a pit of my own construction; every “why” adds a brick to the wall, each “wah” strengthens the structure of my pit. Conversely, every “thank you” removes those negative additions, where I ultimately find that I’m back at ground level. I wonder what vantage point I could reach by only being grateful for it all!

Gratitude feels like soaring. I used to fly in my dreams—that’s what it feels like. Climbing and looping, floating slowly or zipping along, totally free. When I know that true, deep gratitude grants me my wings, that becomes my aim. No “but”s allowed. Utterly in the moment, completely absorbed by the Now, I fly.

In this moment, I am at peace. In this moment, I am happy. In this moment, I realize that I have choice. In my awareness today, I will practice gratitude.

Today, I won’t stand in the way of Good Things happening.

The Sudden Blessings

 I have this moment only, and in this moment, all is well. 

I have hopes and dreams—I talk them over with my Creator and my guides and angels. When something happens which makes me remember my hopes and desires, it is a straight-up gift, a “yes” to my prayers, a confirmation of the value of my me-ness.

There are so many days which are filled with tests and puzzles, leaving me to ponder how what I experience is there for my Highest Good. I see things that way, asking what the lesson is, how I am to utilize it, and is it for me alone or is it something to share. Every situation I encounter is an exercise in using what I have learned to grow more as a human.

Some days are just hard. Those are the tests I haven't studied for, the pop quizzes to see whether or not I’ve been paying attention. Some days feel like today—full of ease, peace, joy, and wonder. No tests, just an easy living in this grand experience of being fully human.

I will stay in the Now of this moment, this day. Nothing is permanent; all is simply what it is in that Now.

I’m so very grateful for this day.

My Me-ness

 The awareness of being a sovereign being is empowering. Realizing the truth of coming into the world alone and leaving alone puts the onus on me to also rely upon myself to find my own contentment, joy, satisfaction, and serenity.

Not that I don’t feel the need for others—companionship, friendship, sharing in a deep and personal nature—these things serve to enhance the experience of living. I would have a much less rich life if I tried to live a completely hermit-like existence. No, thank you! I love (mostly) the interactions I have with my friends and family. I learn from the challenging ones, which help me grow. I’m nourished by the sweet ones, which help me smile.

Ultimately, my happiness resides within myself. When it glows, others feel it, and are hopefully encouraged to feel the same within themselves. It works the other way, too, so I want to be one who is a light, not a flame-snuffer. 

It seems like a dichotomy, this need to both find my joy in myself and feeling the need to share it with others. I am responsible only for myself, right? Just as we all are. But here’s the deal: the buck stops here. Nobody “made” me do anything I did to harm myself and others. (there are, of course, painful exceptions in many lives). As I’ve messed up, I’ve learned to own my responsibility and try to make amends. 

I came here alone, and I’ll leave alone. In the in-between time, I’ll own my own feelings and situations, while enjoying the ups and downs of being with all the others who come into my life. I’m grateful for all of it!

Self-Care

 What a concept! Self-care is miles away from the selfishness I used to demonstrate. 

I used to equate self-care with over-indulgence. It was to be avoided if I wanted to be a ‘self-less’ person. Unfortunately, my understanding was stunted, and my selfishness showed up in a myriad of other ways. I had set-in-stone ideas of how life should be, leaving no room for the needs of others. In my selfishness, I imagined that I knew best, that I knew the most, and that I alone could solve your problems. What a bunch of self-serving rot! This coincided with the downward spiral of depression. I didn’t see any relationship between the two, because, to my mind, if people would just straighten up and do things my way, all would be well.

Maybe I should have gone into an immersion tank and just lived there.

Today I’ll be getting a massage. Aahhhh, relaxation! I recently got my first real facial. Oohhhhh, lovely! I’m caring for myself in other ways as well. I’ve been shedding weight. I am honoring my body by watching what I ingest, and I honor my inner-self through constantly learning, taking classes, reading, movement, and finding ways to express my creativity. I serve others; that is food for my soul. I sing; that is more soul food.

There are so many ways to show kindness to myself, which is what self-care is all about. When I talk to myself, I do so gently. Self-care. When I goof up, I treat it as a lesson and move on. Self-care. When I write this blog, I am exploring my creativity in a new way. Self-care. When I get together with a friend, I am enriching my life. Self-care.

I have learned to put my own oxygen mask on first. That puts me in a position to actively help others put their own masks on, if they need and want assistance. 

Today, I am grateful for the understanding of the importance of self-care, and the ability to follow through on receiving it.

We Who are Broken

 As a person who is “an egotist with an inferiority complex” (heard in 12-step groups), I have to remind myself often that as broken as I feel, everyone around me can feel the same way. When I look at another person and see only what I want to see, I am unconsciously choosing to ignore the parts which would take the individual in question out of the pigeonhole I’ve placed them in.

This is a process which happens whether I see the person as a superior being, or when I only choose to see the parts which grate. We each have all the bits and pieces which make us both unique and similar to each other. Sometimes I am a broken person, and sometimes I’m the one with the glue. Sometimes I need others, and at times, others need me. Give and take, yin and yang.

Just as I’m learning every day to see the fullness of who I am, I must allow everyone I meet to be fully themselves. That certainly doesn’t mean that I need to accept behavior which I find unacceptable; I will be true to my own values, while honoring the sovereignty of them to live their own lives. I’ve tried (and tried, and tried) to change others, all while not seeing the aspects within myself which I need to change. I can say truthfully that it will never work. Change, as we all know, must come from within. The only person I have any right to try to alter in any way is myself.

Comparison is the nasty little spiny thing that whispers into my psyche all the ways in which I either fall short or am somehow better than others. It’s all rot and lies—I can’t know what motivates anyone else. I’m just learning to recognize what motivates me! The truth is that in ways seen and unseen, known or secret, we are all broken in some way. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I’m fortunate enough to spend time in environments which allow and encourage the truth about myself to be discovered and dealt with.

This whole process reminds me of the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken pottery is repaired, then  the cracks are covered with gold, silver, or platinum. The process recognizes and honors the breaks, with the repairs making the items even stronger and more beautiful than before. 

The brokenness in me sees the brokenness in you. Together, we are indeed beautiful vessels.

Forever Jung

 Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.  Carl Jung

Thank you, Insight Timer, for another repeatable quote! I was happy to see this, and to use it as my starting point today, because I have a lot of respect for the good doctor. I’ve learned, and continue to learn, about shadow work, and how vital that work is to my being the person I’m meant to be.

Who wants to look at their own underbelly? I sure didn’t. Denial kept me thinking there was no “there” there. Nothing to see, move along. I’ve since learned that everyone - everyone - has shadow issues. We all have aspects of ourselves that we’d like to keep thoroughly hidden. Until a light is focused on those things, they will not change. They’ll squiggle around, causing vague discomfort or outright terrible behavior, and I won’t know why I’m so…awful.

The truth is that I’m not awful! Far from it. I choose to see those aspects of myself in the light of day, acknowledging them in order to be rid of them, to the best of my ability. At least then, when they show up, I know from whence they come and can deal more appropriately in order to get them out of the hidden spaces. 

Choosing to live in the Light is choosing to make the unconscious conscious. When I can see myself honestly, I am better prepared to ‘polish the tarnish off of my silver’, and let it shine!

I am grateful for the insights of others which I can apply to my own life. 

This Wave of Me

 Enlightenment is when a wave realizes that it is the ocean.  Thich Nhat Hanh

This is the quote which greeted me when I opened my Insight Timer app this morning. It’s not the first time I’ve read it, but it still stood out as one I wanted to highlight and remember. 

It can be such a self-indulgence to think of myself as somehow different or special. In 12-step groups, this common phenomenon is called “terminal uniqueness”. I want to be set apart from, not be a part of. Ego demands difference. Lack of humility is reinforced by ego. Setting myself up as somehow unlike all the ‘you’s means I don’t have to dig deep; I don’t have to take a look at my own actions, because some random ‘you’ out there caused me to behave in the ways I did. It wasn’t my fault!

One of the most profound gifts in my life has been the tearing-down of the walls which I thought separated me from you, it, them - all of the perceptual differences. I am ocean; I don’t decide what aspect of the ocean I will be—I am simply a part of All.

What freedom there is in that realization! I still have personal responsibility, but I know that there is a vastness to existence which I don’t need to explain. I just need to do whatever I perceive to be my next right action, and be free of any expectation of outcome. Easy-peasy! Except that I have to consistently remind myself to do so!

Today, I am grateful to know that I am the ocean. Every wave is constantly in motion, changing places, flowing under, over, and around, always simply All.

Home Again

 I’ve been gone awhile. My TacoCat has left the building. Been booted out, actually. What started as a lovely companionship, complete with snuggles and loud purrs turned weirdly adversarial—he started nipping at my skin, breaking it open, then started suddenly attacking me. It culminated with a deep gash which ultimately sent me to the hospital to receive IV antibiotics. Those weren’t “love bites”!

I’m home again, healing well, considering getting a kitten. Hmmm. This motherhood game is an addiction.

That’s how it was when I had children. I had to have them. The addiction to babies was strong! I loved the nursing, the cuddling, the baby laughter and daily discoveries. The lack of sleep, the poo stench, the milky vomit—they were just part of the deal. 

Life happens, children grow into their own separate selves, and parents are challenged beyond what they ever thought they could handle. At least, that’s how it was for me. I didn’t adjust as quickly as they changed, and my whole family had to deal with the three devils of drugs, alcohol, and attitude. It was no wonder I was at sea with what to do, because I was using the first two devils myself.

Time heals. I hope that saying is true. Of my three sons, two sporadically communicate with me (but they love me), and one is still caught up in his resentments for my failure to be perfect. That’s his journey; I hope and pray that he finds relief and forgiveness, and more than a little understanding. 

Life didn’t turn out the way I had pictured it. That’s okay. My challenges have been my way to the Light. I’ve learned a lot, and continue to learn about forgiveness of myself and others, and of gratitude for those lessons. They continue, but I’m up to the challenges. I don’t walk them alone, ever.

The alcohol and drugs are part of my history. I get to learn from my current point of view how they stunted my emotional growth. I get to do better today, then be done with it and move forward. I get to enjoy the positives and acknowledge the negatives as temporary. I get to hold my head up high and know that given the state I was in, I worked hard and did my best. 

Today, I’m grateful for my children, two- and four-legged. There are lessons everywhere.

Today, I am at home in myself.

For All I Have

 I’m so very grateful for my abundance. 

This is a new way of thinking for me, and it bears the sweetest fruit: contentment. All of my needs are met. Many of my wants are met. If I choose to have peace in this moment, it’s mine. If I choose chaos, it’s equally mine. 

I could, if I had any desire to, list all the ways in which my life isn’t perfect, all the opportunities missed or turned away from, all the ways I could feel cheated, and all the ways I can measure myself and my life by my perceptions of lack, the ‘if only’s, and the ‘should have’s.

“Perception” is the key word. I have choice in how I perceive my life, my choices, and my world. I can choose how I want to react, and make each day a rehearsal in positivity. That doesn’t negate the bad stuff; bad things happen all the time, but I don’t have to invite any of it into my psyche. When I need to feel the sadness, I’ll feel it to get through it. To the best of my ability, I won’t wallow. 

Gratitude is what allows me to see the good, to feel the positives, to be a change agent, and to rest in what is. It keeps me in the here-and-now, instead of the ‘someday’s. 

I’m so very grateful for all I have.

Pomp and Circumstance

 This ain’t no fairytale.

I just watched the spectacle of the coronation of King Charles III. Wow! Tradition, ceremony, celebration- -interesting to see from this side of the ‘pond’. It brought to mind Tevya in Fiddler on the Roof, singing “Tradition”. Traditions exist in societies everywhere around the world, though not as grand as how the British put theirs on. Gold carriage! Horses! Guards! Trumpets! Crowns! Gold robes! Again, wow!

We have our own American traditions—the swearing-in of our President, for example. Families develop their own traditions, from baptisms, marriages, and funerals, to birthdays, anniversaries, and graduations. It’s fun to think of all the ways my own family observed our own traditions, and to see how we each create our own.

I celebrate my sobriety by receiving a ‘chip’—a brass coin with the years embossed in roman numerals. My sponsor celebrates her own tradition of giving me a special decorative enameled brass chip. 

We all have the opportunity to create our own traditions. Each can be imbued with whatever meaning we desire. Traditions mark special moments, and remind us of our passages in life. They serve an important function, and deserve to be formed and followed.

I am open to seeing all the ways I celebrate my own traditions. That’s not something which is at the top of my mind usually; it’s awaked by seeing all the pomp and circumstance which went on in London early this morning. 

I feel a sense of gratitude for my own sovereignity. I’m grateful that I have the freedom to choose what is important enough to celebrate in my own life. 

Time to straighten my tiara and celebrate my Today!

The Now

 Bad news is everywhere, all the time. We are bombarded on a daily basis with woes and pain, cruelty and hopelessness. But, at the same time, there is beauty all around. There are the different tunes of the songbird outside my balcony. People show kindness to others in innumerable small ways, from a quick smile and eye contact to holding doors open. Love is expressed in a myriad of thoughts and actions.

These are the moments I want to be an active participant in. If a person needs a moment of recognition, let me see them. If someone is feeling a heaviness, may I help with their load. May I embody the prayer of St. Francis in all I do.

This moment is golden. This very moment, all is well. In this moment, I can feel and express gratitude for all I experience. This moment is all that I have, and I am grateful for it. I can relax into the ISness of Now, knowing that all is well. I’m not in charge, I don’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders; we are all journeyers in humanness. 

NOW is where it’s all happening, Baby! 

Retrospection

 Retrospection is a learning tool. What it isn’t is looking back with any desire to have done things differently. The past’s very unchangeability is what allows me to look at it and learn from it.

Lessons learned are free from recriminations of any kind. Seeing how decisions made or actions taken in the past inform my todays, I am better prepared for the challenges which will, inevitably, emerge in any future I may have. 

I’m grateful to have learned what I have about the futile old habit of scrolling through my personal cavalcade of failures. That’s what I used to do on a regular basis each night as I tried to go to sleep. It was no wonder I needed sleeping pills!

All I can do on any given day is to try my best and to be kind to others and myself. Forgiveness is huge. Perfection is impossible. Once again, the Serenity Prayer is my daily mantra. Being present in the moment helps me be aware of my thoughts and actions. It’s a daily goal, a practice.

Today, I am grateful for the clean slate ahead of me. I hope to fill it with actions and words which cause no harm, and which lift the vibration within me and around me.

No regrets—no judgement—only love. 💚

Radical Acceptance

 What you resist, persists.   Carl Jung.           

 It is what it is.  12-step saying

I get the meaning of ‘it is what it is’, and I appreciate the message which reminds me to stay in the present. It can be accompanied by a sort of indifferent mental shrug, though. Dr. Jung’s quote, however, is more on point for me, without the attitude.

I haven’t studied radical acceptance as such, but I have Tara Brach’s book by that name, ready to be my next textbook. I’ve been getting that message a lot lately, which seems to me to be one of the ways in which my Higher Power speaks to me. 

I think that the phrase ‘it is what it is’ is, if not seen as uncaring, a very worthy mantra. It’s sort of a truncated version of the Serenity Prayer. If I can’t change a situation, what can I do? Accept. Find my ‘north star’ and keep my chin up. Know that all situations are temporary, and are impersonal. “Why me?” has no place in acceptance of what is. The heavens haven’t conspired against me. God isn’t peeved. My ethereal posse will guide me through, if I turn my attention to doing the next right thing, taking the next right action.

As is so often the case, driving is a great classroom, offering me many opportunities to practice loving kindness and radical acceptance. Personal relationships are full of those lessons. We’re bombarded with reasons to learn these lessons, and, for me, they offer growth in emotional sobriety, or emotional intelligence. 

Today, I am grateful for the grace which accompanies the lessons. Today, I will not resist, but will allow, with love, that which I have no control over to come at me, go through me, and be done with it.

Springing into Action

 It’s Spring Cleaning time! Something about the emerging from winter and anticipating the summer just makes me want to join the many who also feel driven to clear out, clean up, and get rid of all the stuff. It feels good, but first it feels challenging. Like, where did all this crap come from? How on earth did my tiny space hold it all? And it still feels full! Holy cow!

Just like my programs, I have to divide my goal into workable steps, each one supporting the next. If I want a space just for all the rocks, first I have to define and clear that space. If I want all my clothes to be in drawers or hanging in my closet, I have to remove and donate all the things I haven’t worn in ages in order to make room. It’s all very straightforward — simple, but not easy if I never start it.

This is such a First World problem… I have deep gratitude for my abundance, for being in a position where I can share my excess. 

I’m finding places which have’t seem a vacuum in ages, dusting things which never get moved, and just, in general, making room to breathe. It already feels good, and I’ve only just begun. The weather is perfect for being active; the heat went away for a week, and I plan to make use of the comfortable temps.

I’m very grateful for the things which make my life more pleasant, for the books all around me, challenging me to “pick me next!”, for the cat who watches me with great interest (and hides at the first sign of the vacuum). I’m grateful for the hot tub I can relax in when my muscles ask what on earth I’ve been doing to them, and for the time to do all I need to do.

Time to “spring into action”!