Addictions and the Holidays

 This is a subject that can only be briefly touched upon, but I think it’s an important one to consider. The holidays are just begging for all kinds of issues to be exposed, which can greatly exacerbate problems associated with addictions and addictive behaviors.

Getting together with family? Are you the addict, or is someone else the “drunk uncle”? If it’s you and you know it, are you doing something about it, or are you “not that bad”? How bad does it need to be before you step out of denial and into facing your demons? It’s not for the faint-of-heart. It takes humility and courage to admit to oneself that there needs to be a change.

If the problem child is the “drunk uncle” or aunt, uncle, sibling, or parent, we get to choose whether or not to include them, or to decide what the boundaries of behavior are going to be before escorting them to the waiting driver.

We all have our own pictures of what a “perfect” holiday will look like. Maybe that actually happens, but it hasn’t been my experience. In the past, I was the one who drank too much, laughed too loudly at things that weren’t funny, and ended up ‘napping’ (passed out). No one challenged me (which wouldn’t have worked), or took the bottles away. I had to embarrass myself more than a few times before finally admitting to myself that I wanted a change for the positive. That was over 12 years ago. After having many “last drinks”, I finally quit for good in April of 2012.

I’ve learned a few things about myself in that time, and I’ve learned a great deal about how to treat others who have similar addictions. I don’t have to hang around when voices get louder, when the laughs get rowdier, or when the general conversation revolves around alcohol. I separate myself for my own sake.

Right now, I have a friend who is in the throes of his addiction. Because I know how important boundaries are to my own wellbeing, I had to separate myself from him, and asked him to refrain from calling or visiting. I told him why—it didn’t just come out of the blue. When a friend steals from you, separation is imperative. 

A lot of people find themselves trapped in the idea that they need to somehow save their loved one; that without their help, who knows what might happen to them? This, my friend, is faulty thinking which only enables further self-destructive behavior from the one you’re trying to save. You simply don’t have the juice needed to do that.

The kindest thing to do is also the hardest thing to do, and that is to allow them to hit their own bottom. That is the moment when an addict realizes that no one is going to save them; that they need help. That’s not going to come from having them celebrate the holidays with you, for the sake of ‘family’ or whatever. They need to know that their actions have the consequences of their missing out on being included.

You’re not a bad person for protecting your own sanity, safety, and possessions. Say a prayer for your loved one, acknowledge the hurt, then enjoy the good that is in your life right now.